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japhyjunket |
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5.25.2002
...On Lost Love
In the past two weeks I have run into almost all the people I have ever fallen wildly in love with. It's because I'm single again, I know, but I still can't help feeling that it's been prearranged, that the people I have given my heart to have some kind of sixth sense, like sharks smelling blood in the water from miles away. Seeing them again has been strange. All the embarrasment and confusion in my head is gone, replaced by crystal high altitude clarity. I am a cool confident cucumber. I am a new born expert at grabbing a shoulder at just the right time, tying it to a slow growing smile or knowing the right thing to say, each word hitting them with maximum impact.
It's terrible.
I can do this because I no longer love them. How cruel is love? It renders you mute and keeps you up at night when desire is raging, but devoid of passion, makes you master of all the moves.
Worse still, even though I can see now that what I loved is no longer there, or possibly an illusion I created all along from the fabric of the real people before me, I love them still. Some people you never really do get over. Someone should carve that on a stone tablet and make every young man and woman that goes out in to the world wear aforementioned stone tablet around their neck. You really can give your heart away and no matter how much you try to reclaim what you gave away so easily, the act can not be undone.
Tonight I said that I had given all my love away. I told someone I once loved that love is a fixed thing, you only get so much of it, given at birth and being young and stupid I had squandered it like a midnight candy binge. I said tonight that I have no love left to give. I hope I'm a liar.
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