AWWW NUTS! I was on the subway this morning and saw the cover of the Daily News. There was Michael Jackson holding his baby over a metal hotel railing, above him, in giant white type, was the headline: "WACKO!" I laughed out loud, as I often do when presented with a metro New York paper and went back to reading my subway book of the week, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, by Michael Chabon. Walking to class I remembered how, when I was a little kid, I would love it when at Thanksgiving, my older cousin would pick me up and throw me in the air, sometimes narrowly missing the ceiling fan. My brother and I would beg him to do toss us around or swing us in a circle, while he spun around in place. Up I would go like a discus ready for flight and the terror I'd be let go and sail out the window was half the fun. So, I kind of got what Michael was doing. It was either that or he was reinacting that scene from Roots, still upset that Levar Burton beat him out for the part of Kunta Kinte. Unfortunately, Michael being Michael, a little harmless kid tossing isn't going to go over too lightly. The story has made the front pages of many major newspapers and you know what that means- As I write this, Jay Leno's crack comedy writing staff is coming up with some snappy one liners, Letterman is perfecting his 'Top 10 Things Michael Jackson's Son is Going to Blame His Dad For When He Grows Up' (#6: Hiding my face till I was 16 so people wouldn't know I am blacker than you) and Jackson's people (ie: Liz Taylor) are setting up the Very Special Baraba Walters Interview with Michael (CLIP: Michael dangles baby over railing. CUT TO: The Interview. Michael is bathed in soft gauzy light. Barbara: It must be so hard sometimes. Michael: I love my son. I really do.) Yes- Michael is weird. Whether riding down Madison Ave with Al Sharpton in tow acusing Sony of being racist or accepting an MTV Artist of the Millenium Award that didn't really exist, Michael never fails to do the socially inept thing. It's as if he's replaced the microphone in front of his mouth with his foot. Still, I expect more from our Schlock Media journalists. Michael is just too easy a target. Here are my suggestions for new holders of the AMERICA'S FAVORITE WHIPPING BOY/GIRL post. 1. Mayor Mike Bloomberg Pros: Public figure. Can never live up to predecessor. Rich. Eccentric. Rides the Subway. Hates Smokers Cons: Not in the media much. Republican (those guys could stab Daschle to pieces on the Senate Floor and the Democrats STILL wouldn't go and vote them out of office) Folksy charm exuded by asking to be called 'Mike'. Old White Dude. Sample Headline: MIKE HIKE! Healthnut Wackjob Mayor proposes banning cars in NYC. Invests 5 mil in new campaign to "Make them walk to work!" 2.Jerry Springer Pros: Is already associated with scum. Has political ambitions. Prospect of Jerry being a guest on 'Jerry'. Cons: Unlikely to top his guests depravity. Gets 5 minutes at the end of every episode to justify himself. Old White Dude. Sample Headline: JERRY'S CHERRIES!: Springer caught in love nest menage-a-trois with 500 pound "diaper lady", Klu Klux Klan Grand Wizard and Steve, the Security Guy! 3.Macy Gray Pros: Says thing like, "I oppose abortion like a sexy halter top on a funky mushroom groove and I'd like to punch Mariah Carey!". Is Black (see Michael). Is a woman (see Winona). Will have new album out soon. Her hair. Cons: Macy Who? Sample Headline: MACY EATS CHILDREN ALIVE AND WEARS THEIR ENTRAILS AS LOVE BEADS! 4.Prince Michael Jackson II Pros: Only nine months old, still has lifetime of youthful indiscretion, scandal and the pain of living in his father's shadow to look forward to. Like all Jacksons, covers his face with a funny veil while in public. Interchangeable with older brother Prince Michael I. Public thirst for biracial eccentric multi-billionaires to make fun of will never be satiated. Cons: None in the conceivable universe. Sample Headline: WACKO! Part Deux!

posted by Japhy at 11/20/2002 11:36:00 AM || #