The NotABlog Hey there gentle readers. This is one of those blogs where I aim to entertain you because I've failed to blog for the past few days. See, I was going to do an April Fool's post, but I couldn't think of anything non-snarky to say (ie: "George W. Bush announced today that once he takes over Iraq, he will hand out 3 million dictionaries with "revised spellings" for such tongue twisters like "nucular" and "misinderestimate", in lieu of humanitarian aide") so I just kept my mouth shut. I was then going to write about "McSweeney's Mammoth Treasury of Thrilling Tales", which has just been released, but Slate beat me to it. I was then really depressed when I heard that my friend Daryl had gone and visited some quirky roadside attraction without inviting me and I debated never blogging again. Also, I was busy celebrating my producer-friend Jared's birthday at Hooters, which sounds like as blogworthy a topic as you can come by, but really, what can you say about a Hooters in New York? I see more ta-ta's on my daily subway ride. Then there was the "April is Poetry Month!" blog that never materialized. It is, you know. Once again, Slate beat me to it- introducing us to one of America's most underrated poets, Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfield. A sample: The Unknown As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don't know We don't know. —Feb. 12, 2002, Department of Defense news briefing I almost wanted to write about a discovery I made: If you have an MP3 player or Walkman and play anything by Phillip Glass, somehow everyone around you seems to match perfectly to the soundtrack. Subways speed away with import and when the deli guy puts mayonnaise on your sandwich, you suddenly realize the indescribable beauty and sadness that comes from condiments. I tested my theory and did jumping jacks while listening to Phillip Glass and still somehow, my jumping jacks matched the soundtrack. Of course, they were melancholy jumping jacks. Then, Jill called and since she's who I write this blog for anyways, there really was no point. I'm working on a song about our conversation- It's called "You know it's funny but I have more freedom in Japan then you do in New York" (The "6 year old draws me as a naked stick figure" mix). What I've settled on is to pass along an AP article from South Korea about people named Kim Jong Il. Clearly the good folks at the AP News Desk in Seoul are a little bored as of late. However, all those Kim Jong Il's gives me an amazing idea for a show- "The Many Lives of Kim Jong Il", wherein we see various KJI's dancing, cavorting and possibly breaking out into song. Tee hee, right? Tee fucking hee. Hey, on a positive note, our troops have now taken over Saddam International Airport (Don't get any ideas George, your Dad's boss already got Dulles. Oh God- Will there be a George W. Bush Airport someday?). It seems the Republican Guard aint so elite after all. Although, my screenwriter's brain says, "That was easy. Too easy." See, the reason we haven't found any chemical or biological weapons is because Saddam is combining them together to create a transformation serum that, while untested, will make him into the fire-breathing monster from the U.S. Marines recruitment commercial (you know the one), thereby causing mass destruction (by the way, Boston bands take note: "Mass Destruction" would make a wicked name for an emo/metal band). Yes, I'm detaching from reality. Did I mention I have a tiny Swiss flag on a toothpick?

posted by Japhy at 4/03/2003 11:53:00 PM || #