I HEART NY Today is my sixth anniversary of being a New Yorker! Hooray! Hooray! Here's some secrets I've learned that I'd like to pass on to you. BROADWAY IS CRAP Between Disney, the Roundabout and the tourists, American theatre on 42nd Street is dead dead dead. That's why we have BAM. CHEAP DATE THAT ALWAYS WORKS Take the Staten Island Ferry. It's free and there's a nice park near the Whitehall Terminal on S.I. for you to make out in. TO SURVIVE YOU NEED THREE FRIENDS It's true. They just have to be the right three friends and you'll never be bored, sad or alone. Friend #1: The first friend must simply know a lot of people and be all in and up on "the scene". This friend will, on the whole, be a pretty lousy friend- he or she will think they are way cooler than you and will call you "girl" regardless of your gender, but you don't care because you can call them up any night to find something to do. Friend #2: Your second friend is younger than you, or just generally naive. You bring them along to the parties that Friend #1 tells you about. This person is valuable because a.) they are impressed by how cool you are for knowing about said party thereby making you feel more important than you, in fact, are and b.) having them around you increases your own cool quotient in the eyes of other by contrast. Also, becuase you are obviously a heartless cynic, this person's natural warmth and naivete will either warm the cold cockles of your heart now and then or, more likely, remind you of the true monster you are. You should sleep with this person now and then. Friend #3: This friend must never leave the house. The more anti-social this friend, the better. If they were to leave the house, they would eventually run into someone else who knew you and would then probably find out what a monster you are. The purpose of this friend is to have a confidante. You tell them all about your other two friends, but in a way that always makes you look like a hapless victim. It always helps if Friend #3 is a stoner. DON'T BE GAY Seriously. This city's pretty gay already. Straight men should stop being gay because, as a gay man, I can tell you- homosexuals laugh at you behind your back. Straight women should stop being gay (and by "being gay" I mean "hanging on to gay boys all the time") becuase no matter how much we say we love you, we are never going to fuck you. As far as the real gays are concerend- don't be gay. Remember the man of your dreams probably doesn't own a "Fierce Bitch" t-shirt. Go burn your wardrobe and grow back your chest hair. I don't have any advice for lesbians other than, "Please don't hurt me." READY TO KILL SOMEBODY? It happens. Go to the Hudson Piers and watch the sun set. It's okay, baby. Still mad? Go hit a few balls at the Chelsea Piers batting cage- or watch the gymansts through the giant sidewalk windows. RETURN PHONE CALLS Charlie, this means you. Nobody (I mean "me") likes people who can't return a damn phone call. I'm not talking forgetting for a day or even a week- try a month. I have a friend who shall...remain nameless, who I last saw in a seedy basement drunk and talking about "fondling the crowd". Haven't heard from him since. DO NOT WALK ON THE SIDEWALK IN A GROUP THAT BLOCKS EVERYONE ELSE! Same goes for escalators, ramps and any other thing where normal people want to walk. Usually these groups are either drunk or are with children. Both of these situations (drinking...children) are completely preventable. No excuse. LEAVE BEFORE YOU HATE IT

posted by Japhy at 5/17/2004 02:55:00 PM || #