Andy Hick has a blog. (yes, Andy Hicks, my High School Rival) In his latest entry, Andy says bad things about New York (yet again), even though he is considering moving to Staten Island....which he thinks is part of New York, which really goes to the heart of the matter: That the only thing Andy Hicks will ever be right about is that Vanilla Coke is great. He's also linked my blog under the title 'That snooty little nyc boi's blog'. What is he? A 19 year old gay man? Who spells it 'boi' anymore. Honestly. Also, if you go and actually read his blog, I'll let you in on a secret. It's me who doesn't like recieving stupid 'What's your favorite flavor of Jesus?' questionaires by email. I actually kinda hope Andy moves to New York. With the exception of briefly trying to set up Dee St.Onge with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Linda Evers coming to Manhattan with eighty dollars and a dream, I've been Westfordless here in NYC. Come to New York little penguin: we can make our rivalry into a cabaret act!

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posted by Japhy at 6/27/2002 12:10:00 AM || #

On the Rails Amtrak may never be economically sound, but without it, we're a poorer nation. Everyone's been picking on Amtrak as of late. Like vultures, in fact. Hungry, beady-eyed market-driven vultures. Apparantley in this post-Enron world, the answer to improving vital national infrustructures is to break it up into little pieces and hand it over to corporate interests. Yes, how we've grown. This may seem entirely inconsequential to the average frequent flyer business type, but for those who can't afford to travel the country by plane, people like me, the death of the long-haul train is something to truly mourn. There are two kinds of people who travel Amtrak's long distance trains: Retirees and the poor. Like some modern day Titanic, these two groups are usually seperated on the train; retirees, who are off to see the country, book staterooms that sit at the front of the train while 'the rest of us' are at the rear of the train, right before the freight cars. The two sections are divided by dining cars and lounge cars, which makes the Amtrak train one of the few places in America where a sixty year old couple from Deluth will share breakfast with a sixteen year old black man from Watts. The people who ride trains are amazingly diverse, a mishmash of college students, divorcee's and out of work actors. The forced community is like no other: smoky cigarette lounges filled with bingo grandmas and rastafarians, late night games of Euchure over canned margaritas with two kids who's main goal in life seemed to be to get high in every bathroom on the train. All of them brought together by one great mutual bond: a dislike of sitting on a bus for twenty hours. If Jack Kerouac is alive today, he rides the rails. There's a mad intensity to the rails. Train time exists on its own terms. The people you meet become your entire world for a day or two, yet most likely you will never meet them again. On my last trip from New Mexico to New York, I sat next to a woman from New Zealand who had recently married a man to get her green card. The man she married knew she didn't love him, even though he was madly in love with her. So, she had spent the last month riding the train, seeing the country, avoiding her husband, but now, sitting next to me, was returning home. Things like this only happen in Chekov novels and on Amtrak. The future of our nations passenger railroads looks very likely to be a series of small, intercity rails, much like Amtrak's recently unveiled Acela regional trains in the Northeast. For the first time since 1869, when the Golden Spike that connected the Central Pacific and Union Pacific was hammered into place in Brigham City, Utah, you won't be able to travel from New York to L.A by train. To me, this is just further proof that our Republic may be entering its twilight years. We're a nation made under the steam power of the rail, yet have managed to squander our legacy like ungrateful children. It's easy to blame Amtrak's misfortune on mismanagement and compare it unfavorably to airlines. As Slate's Chris Sullentrop is quick to point out, airlines are far more efficient, but convieniently forgets that Amtrak recieves less than 1% of the money the goverment spends on airlines. Amtrak's current budget barely covers the expense of maintaining its current fleet of antiquated engines. There's no budget for growth. The administration somehow expects Amtrak to be a lean mean, customer service oriented machine...and do it with thirty year old trains. What America really needs is a world class passenger rail system. It needs a massive upgrade and overhaul. The goverment needs to own the rails we ride on. Passenger rail may never be a winning proposition for the government, the same way the government doesn't make money on water treatment and police protection. There's more to rail travel than nostalgia and political pork. It's the last great ride in America.

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posted by Japhy at 6/26/2002 11:54:00 PM || #

Alright. American Idol. Great Show. I'm sold. I know I'm supposed to hate the British guy, but I REALLY DO HATE the British guy. This is fantastic. I'll pontificate more later, I'm watching auditions! Also, I should move to Atlanta- which apparantley is the most talented city in America.

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posted by Japhy at 6/11/2002 06:31:00 PM || #

Penguin Check: As you all know my high school rival, Andy Hicks has a blog. Occasionally, I mention his blog in passing. Usually, like thus: Andy 'The Angsty Penguin' Hicks today declared in a satirical entry on World Cup Soccer that September 11th was a 'bizzare international hazing incident'. It is implied in the article that the the destruction of the World Trade Center, the attack on the Pentagon and four hijacked airliners crashing into various things is the global equivelent of a 'wedgie'. Now, I know he meant it all in good fun. His message was not 'What a trifle the loss of six thousand lives is', but rather 'Aint' soccer funny?' and I'm certainly not one to chide for political correctness, however- C'mon!?! WHAT. THE . FUCK?!?! Is our vision SO myopic that we can make offhanded comments like that already? It's one thing to use humour to deal with the events of 9/11. I, for one, don't mind jokes about 9/11 widows or the 'If we don't do the terrorists have already won' type smarminess- there is a degree of catharsis in finding laughter in tragedy, but when tragedy beomes so mundane as to be used for a pun in a SOCCER article. I'm pissed. I don't care if I sound self-righteous. I'm pissed.

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posted by Japhy at 6/10/2002 05:04:00 PM || #

All week I've been getting progessively sicker and sicker- what started off as a nice little cold then led to me losing my voice and the whole sad affair finally climaxed last evening at 5am in the morning, with me unable to sleep, my eyes red and wet with tears, my nose running like a legitimate actor from an MTV movie deal and my throat closing up to the point I felt like I was choking, with only my puppy and the roomates cat keeping me company. Cute little kitty. You're always there for me when I'm at my snot-nosed worst. ...wait a second. That's right. I'm allergic to the cat. DEATHLY allergic to this cat. I, who have never had an allergic reaction in my life, naturally thought I had consumption, but it turns out that even cute little kitties can cause an intense amount of pain. For all two of you concerned about my welfare (Hi Mom & Dad!) I'm still alive and begining to feel much better and we're cleaning out the apartment tommorow. Special thanks to The Mexican for taking me in at six in the morning. For the rest of you, who could care less: Because you can never go wrong with a photo of Alan Rickman.

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posted by Japhy at 6/07/2002 10:44:00 PM || #

The Essence of Blogging Hi folks! I'm at Comp USA on 59th St. right now and have decided to make a blog entry- BECAUSE I CAN. Oh, I know- it may seem lame and unecessary to you, but here I am- avoiding salespeople and typing away on a pretty new iMac. Now- if only I had something valuable to say....

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posted by Japhy at 6/06/2002 03:38:00 PM || #

I need a new place to live! My current situation is too small and dark and too far from where I'm going to school (Brooklyn College). I can pay up to $700, but would to prefer to pay less. If any of you know anyone is in search of a perfect roomie, send em my way. Want to know more? Check out my craiglist posting. Basicly, I'm looking for an apartment like this...only less so.

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 09:00:00 PM || #

I'm watching ABC's 'The Hamptons' right now and I'm simaltaneously wildly jealous and appalled. Why do so many vacuous people get to wear such nice clothes, live in such nice homes and run over so many innocent bystanders? If someone wants to take me to Ralph Lauren/Armani sometime soon, I'd appreciate it. I'm sure it will make me feel a lot better.

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 07:13:00 PM || #

As you all can tell, I've been in a bloggy mood today. I've been working on web designs all day long and the blog has been my respite. By the way, regular Japhy Junket readers may have noticed that I try to break it clear what sections are 'articles' and which are rants. You're welcome. To answer an often asked question: I review stuff that I feel like reviewing, but if you'd like me to review something, I'm not opposed. Also- yes, the ...On {Insert Random Subject} bits are inspired by Montaigne's Essay's...or rather, inspired by the idea of them. I'm trying to include some regular features here so it rises above the usual, 'blog-as-diary/soapbox' routine. Expect a few more in the coming weeks. Starting now:

Making Cyberspace a Little More Human: One Person at a Time Japhynaut of the Week: Christopher-Ian aka Danger Boy

You may be asking me why I would pick a complete stranger as my first Japhynaut of the Week. Of course, that's assuming you knew that I was picking a complete stranger, which of course, you couldn't, unless I told you...which I just did. Well, I found Danger Boy on the NYC Blog Map, which is rapidly becoming the Greatest. Thing. Ever. I was curious what blogs there were in perenially hip Williamsburg, so after a short trip on the Virtual L, I found DangerBoy and his bleached hair...and his model girlfriend...and his designer/model/clublife style. Dangerboy, gentle readers, is the living embodiment of Cool. Further proof: -If he lived in Las vegas, he'd live in a hotel room at New York, New York Casino. -Is looking for people to model latex wear at a Webster Hall. -Wants to own the .evil top level domain -gives his gf rubber suits on her birthday...and would rather pass up parties for his girlfriend. My friend Cheyanne had this to say: "Oh my god...just his trendyness...it's so scary. I wish I got latex dresses in bed.....or do I???" What more can I say? Dangerboy: We salute you.

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 04:04:00 PM || #

I Love This Dirty Town: Blind Items From the Tony's In the spirit of Tony-award winning John Lithgow's 'Sweet Smell of Success' character, J.J. Honeysucker, here's all the news that's unfit to print about last night's Tony Awards: -Those of you at home may have seen Elaine Stritch's heartfelt acceptance speech as she won her first Tony since she she was first nominated in 1956, but may have missed her less than ladylike behavior after she was cut-off by the TV Broadcasters. ‘She kept screaming "Please don't do this to me!" and quoting Noel Coward and thanking everyone she's ever known’, one insider quipped. Wonder what she’ll do the next time she wins…in 2048. -What rising young theatrical light with a penchant for lighting designers was overheard saying at the Into the Woods/Urinetown party, 'I was gonna go to the Oklahoma! party, to chill with the Oklahomos, but decided against it when they lost. I didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of losers.'? -Speaking of losers, what featured actress in the most snubbed musical of the night used to understudy the title role in Andrew Lloyd Weber’s south-of-the-border megahit in the late 70's…and had to go on every Saturday matinee to cover for the regular actress, who would invariably be recovering from the previous night's coke binge? Maybe after tonight she’ll learn to stay out of overcrowded bathrooms. That's it from this humble public servant's notebook. If you've got dirt, send it in and together we'll clean up this great land of ours! God Bless America!

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 03:23:00 PM || #

Go to Hell on the L Performance art fun this Friday! Sure, we may be living in the End Times, what with the Church of Bethlehem occasionally being used as a terrorist hideout, our civil liberties left a snivelling and forgotten pile of char and pundits casually talking about imminent nuclear war, but that's no reason not to have a little fun. This Friday and Saturday, June 7 & 8, John Sully Productions present Augenblick in The Nine Circles of Hell, the perfect past time for the end of time! Meeting at the southwest subway entrance at Union and you'll travel by subway the L to the Classon Avenue stop on the G, encountering the successive levels of hell, and finally emerge for a party at 12-Turn-13 Loft in Brooklyn, where members of 1337 will portray the Ninth Circle in jets of flame. These folks have perfromed at the Burning Man Festival and it's only 10 bux. I'll DEFINITELY be going. If anyone would like to come with, e-mail me and we'll get together. By the way, the site advises to bring a sleeping bag. I guess, once in Hell, we may be staying for a while. Get a copy of the original Inferno by Italian funnyman, Dante Alighieri (he's a funnyman cuz he wrote The Divine Comedy...get it? Sheesh.)

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 02:37:00 PM || #

Neil Gaiman will have a new book coming out next month! It's called Coraline and is Mr. G's entry into the world of Harry Potter-esque children's chapter books. It's the story of a young girl who discovers a passageway in her family's rambling house, and finds herself in an alternate version of her own home, presided over by a creepy figure called "the other mother." (She looks like Coraline's real mother, only with black buttons sewn on her face where her eyes ought to be.) I'm trying to nab an advance copy, so look for a review here soon. Here's hoping Gaiman pulls off another genre-transcending work like the Sandman; he needs it after the rather lackluster and prosaic (well, prosaic for Gaiman) American Gods. Pre-order Coraline today!

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posted by Japhy at 6/03/2002 10:28:00 AM || #

Hope you all enjoyed my frivolous fun Sunday postings. Now back to our regularly scheduled Sturm & Drum... A short time ago in a galaxy not so far away: Star Wars as Political Tract Forget the cardboard acting and the million dollar special effects, the real showstopper is George Lucas' overall message: America is doomed. There is a scene about midway through the new Star Wars movie, Attack of the Clones, where the duly elected Queen of Naboo, dressed in the intergalactic equivalent of Dior, turns to future planet-destroying baddie Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) and says, "The day we stop believing democracy can work is the day we lose it". Senator Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman), self styled defender of all things democratic then adds, "Let's pray that day never comes" and promptly turns to give doe eyes to the boy who will be Darth Vader. That despot and democrat get it on (in a PG kinda way) in this, the ultimate post-modern über myth is no coincidence. If it riles up liberals that Jar Jar Binks could pass for a toked up Rastafarian, they should look a little deeper and see that the West Coast's Wizard of Oz is making a saga that borders on satire- and it's the American democratic system that is the punch line. Episode I, which came out in 1999, began innocently enough. Sure, the Senate was deadlocked, controlled by groups like The Trade Federation and (I'm not making this up) The Corporate Sector. The Chancellor, though his heart was in the right place, was essentially impotent. Eventually, however, the freedom loving Democrats, with some help from the Jedi and their Rastafarian friends triumphed over evil even if Liam Neeson kicked the bucket in the third real. Episode II, which opened last month, opens with a bang. Literally. A giant fireball reduces a once gleaming silver ship to a hulking smoldering pile of rubble. This heinous act impels the Republic to take up arms and curtail freedoms in the name of protecting freedom. By the end of the movie, storm troopers are marching like its 1938 all over again. I could spell out the obvious parallels, but Lucas has already done such a great job for me. Star Wars asserts that all democracies eventually cave to the lure of authoritarianism. The Republic isn't destroyed by the Evil Empire of the second trilogy, it becomes it. Lucas isn't providing a cautionary tale however; he's doing what all great myth makers have done: He's telling it like it is. At least as he sees it. Many people have complained that the new trilogy is too rigid. Where Princess Lea and Han Solo made wisecracks and fall in love with each other's cynicism, the first trilogy's heartthrobs, Anakin and Padme, are painfully earnest. Beside a fireplace and dressed up like sex-crazed warriors in Valhalla, they bemoan that neither of them should fall in love. At one point Anakin tells Padme, 'I'm in misery being in love with you. Tell me you're in as much misery as I am". This prompted an audience member in the theatre I saw the movie at to shout to the screen, 'Yes, we all are!' Today's audiences are not accustomed to honest declarations of love or handcrafted spaceships. The first trilogy doesn't have a shred of irony in it and we don't know what to do with it. It's the second trilogy, rife with irony, cynicism and innuendo that the fans gravitate towards. Lucas is saying that Romance, Truth and Beauty belong to Golden Ages and our own brand of self-loathing, self-aware detachment belongs to the Dark Ages (Further proof: Star Wars was originally intended as a nine film epic. The original trilogy would therefore be the middle trilogy). We're more at home amid the post-industrial corruption of Luke's time than the gleaming spires that Anakin and Padme use as backdrops to moon over each other. George Lucas may not be the first one to declare Western Civilization dead, but he's the first to bring the message to the masses. In interviews he gives off a paternalistic air. Reporters constantly ask questions about light-saber duels and how to build a better Yoda and he answers them with the weary indulgence of a man who has come out of virtual retirement as a director to create a series of films at his own expense that, lightsabers and Yoda's aside, is about the fall of democracy, freedom and paradoxically, nobility at the hands of petty bureaucrats. Whether the Star Wars paterfamilias is a liberal loony crying wolf on his 100 million dollar horn or a cry from a galaxy not so really far away after all is something only time and a movie ticket will tell. Get your Star Wars fix with these titles from Amazon.com:

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posted by Japhy at 6/02/2002 10:53:00 PM || #

New Yorkers and those who love us: Check out the NYC blog map! I'm on 23rd & 8th (in spirit).

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posted by Japhy at 6/02/2002 03:55:00 PM || #

My arch nemesis, The Angsty Penguin, has wasted away his frivolous little life answering personality tests. Damn him for having all the fun. Here Goes: Everyone loves cross dressing English funny man Eddie Izzard. Which begs the question:
Which Izzard Are You?

Slut Izzard: You'll crawl into any duvet any time of the day. You get to shag everyone, and wear all their clothes. You're concerned with appearances, whether anyone will shag you, or whether you'll shag anyone else. Rejoice!! For you are a fashion queen. Well, it seems, I'm fun, but frivolous. Time for some self imposed political import by America's famous funny man, Tricky Dick!
Which Nixon Are You?

1970's Nixon: To you, life is one big conspiracy. You think everyone's out to get you - and you might actually be right! You get other people to do your dirty work for you, and then deny everything when it all comes back to you. Sure, your life is successful but that deep, dark secret you've always kept hidden is on its way to bringing you down. I SEE ALL! So far, we've established I'm a paranoid slut. What next, you ask? I turn to geekdom to find out:
Which Star Trek:Enterprise Character Are You?

Porthos, the Space Beagle:You're cute as a button and everyone's favorite, despite that nasty habit of marking alien trees. You're most often seen begging for cheese while Archer recites a monologue to you. A cute paranoid slut, it seems. But if I turn to Trek for self knowledge, I should also see what The Force has to say.
Which Episode II Character are You?

Senator Palpatine: First acquaintances do not see you for who you really are. You have a great power inside you, and are already beginning to manipulate those around you. You cannot stand do-gooders and are plotting against everybody to finally get what it is that you want. Power. In order to gain power, you need someone strong and intelligent - and there is one.... I'm a power-hungry, cute and paranoid slut! Surely, being Palpatine is a fluke. Only one way to tell. What Type of Villain are You?

Supervillain Damn. Well, let's see- I'm a cute, power-hungry, really really evil paranoid slut. This really only leaves one question left (although does it really need to be asked?) Who's Your Inner Buffy Bad Boy?

I'm Spike! A cute, power-hungry, really really evil, paranoid slut who gets to sleep with Buffy! Yeah, that sounds about right. :-) Get Buffy on DVD!

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posted by Japhy at 6/02/2002 01:51:00 PM || #

Tony's No Tiger It's Tony-time. I wish I liked the Tony's. Really, I do. I think anything that exposes the rest of this world to the Invalid Fabulouso is a good thing, but I just can't seem to get excited about watching a 5 minute dance routine from 'Thoroughly Modern Millie'. Broadway appeals to three types of people: Rich old, blue haired ladies from the UES, families visiting New York who feel that seeing a Broadway show is right up there with seeing the Statue of Liberty (okay, maybe not quite up there) and gay men. To the other 99.999% of the world, it has turned away from, like jilted lover pretending that she was the one who ended the affair. I know I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but until theatre ends its practice of serving up lukewarm retreads of theme park shows or, esoteric 'Theatre is art' prestige pieces, it will be destined to cultural obscurity, no matter what Mel Brooks manages to muster up. Theatre has to not simply reinvent itself, it has to rediscover its soul. That said, there are a few pieces nominated tonight that begin to point theatre towards a vibrant future. Here are my Tony picks (of what SHOULD win, not what will): BEST PLAY:Metamorphoses. Fantastic, stirring and moving, what makes this play so daring is that it approaches it's audience as equals- sure it entertains, but it does so by inviting us toi share in the experiences of loss, lust and love that it so brilliantly conjurs up. BEST MUSICAL: Urinetown. Call it 'The Producers go Brechtian' if you don't like its real title, Urinetown does a great job of sending up the musical genre while being a great musical itself. That it uses so many Brechtian elements so self-awarely while ultimately have no real agenda other than to entertain makes it the perfect zeitgeist musical of our age. BEST REVIVAL: Noises Off. Only because it's the only nominee that wasn't overproduced to death. And it's damn funny. BEST MUSICAL REVIVAL: Oklahoma. This is a real toss-up. 'Into the Woods' and 'Oklahoma' are both equally well done, but neither really seems to transcend their pedigree's and become something new. I picked Oklahoma simply because the cast is so fantastic, but they nudge ahead only by a hair. BEST SPECIAL THEATRICAL EVENT: Sexaholix: a love story. The 'We don't know what to call it' category is dominated by grand dames singing and reminiscing...and John Leguizamo. As much as I like Elaine, Barbara and Bea, Sexaholix is a fiery, fiercly funny and honest work. Plus, you can catch it on HBO. As far as the actors go: I really liked Mercedes Ruehl in "The Goat" and have been a fan of Patrick Wilson since I first saw him in the NYTW production of 'Bright Lights, Big City'. Other than those two, I could care less. So, if you wish, catch the show tonight on CBS (9p.m. EST), laugh at the insider jokes, hope that Bernadette Peters will sing and that Gregory Hines will dance, but if you miss it, I won't blame you. Can't score tickets? Get the Urinetown Soundtrack!

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posted by Japhy at 6/02/2002 01:40:00 PM || #