Gone Hikin' Japhy will be spending the next week or so summering in the glorious White Mountains of New York. His goals are to climb Mount Washington, see Clark's Bears, swim out to the shark rock in our lake, go ride one of the rock flumes and see (or rather not see) the remains of the Old Man in The Mountain. He'll return next week, rested and hopefully capable of writing in the first person again. As a special treat, Japhy has invited his long time friend, Gregor, to write while he's absent. Hopefully, Gregor will be entertaining, but not more so than me. It's also possible, he'll flake out and write nothing at all. Again folks, you get what you pay for. Till then- Cheers!

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posted by Japhy at 8/19/2003 11:56:00 AM || #

Jerry's Kids Love Japhy. So Should You! Welcome back folks! I'm proud to announce that The Get Japhy His Clie Back Fund is more than a third of the way to its 300 dollar goal! Thanks to generous contributors who value the prose and puns of Japhy, his Clie is well on the way to becoming a reality! However, we still have a ways to go and we need your support...your support in greenbacks, that is. For those of you who don't know how to scroll down the page, Japhy lost his Clie in tragic circumstances and needs your help! Don't take my word for it, though. Here's celebrity philanthropist Jerry Lewis, here to tell you more: Freunleven Mister Blogger Reader Man! Japhy's Clie is serious business. He travels and moves about so often that without it, he forgets where to be, what to do and who to call. He's notoriously disorganized and without it, he spends his days being absolutely nutty. And I know nutty! Bwahhahaha! That's why I have cancelled my annual telethon to help out kids with muscular dystrophy, so that those dollars can go to Japhy. The kids, well- I know they look cute, but they're really brats. Drooling all over my lapels! Freunleven! Give the money to Japhy, instead. Guffaw Guffaw! Thank you Jerry. Remember, every person who donates money to the Fund receives a poem, especially written for them, created by Japhy himself! Don't delay! Think about how much Japhyjunket means to you. Great blogs like this take energy and resources to create. Show your appreciation now by clicking the button below and donating to The Get Japhy His Clie Back Fund. Even a dollar will get Japhy closer to his dream. Think of the children. Help Japhy out. You'll be glad you did.

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posted by Japhy at 8/18/2003 01:06:00 PM || #

I Heart Electricty Hey there folks- 9:12pm Causing people to cheer and holler out their windows, power just returned to my current location (25th Street and 8th Avenue) about ten minutes ago. Amid both the general community friendliness that marks New York and the price gouging done by markets and restaraunts as food supplies dwindled (I managed to snag some chicken from Chez Brigitte downtown, but most restaraunts are just serving drinks and chips) everyone seemed to survive the blackout fairly well. Personally, I think Bloomberg should turn off the power to the city one day every week as a cost cutting measure to save the budget. We can call it "Frontier Fridays" and we'll all learn a useful colonial skill. Me- I'll be dipping candles in my quaker boots. As you can tell, I'm a little punchy. I was in Flatbush, Brooklyn when the power went out and managed to snag a bus to Burrough Hall, which for those outside NYC, is downtown Brooklyn. From there, I walked with a classmate of mine across the Brooklyn Bridge, fighting the overwhelming tide of people coming out of Manhattan. They flooded not only the pedestrian walkways, but the roads as well, forcing automobiles to park fifty feet above the East River. Other exciting things to note about the blackout: - For probably the only time ever, you could see the stars (the literal kind, that is) above Manhattan. - Deli owners are the unsung heroes of our time. While most stores closed up and refused to open, the deli owners kept us all alive on potato chips and increasingly warm water and juice. Bringing us a taste of their homelands, New Yorkers wandered through the candle-lit delis and stood in lines that looked more like something you'd see in Communist China than in the 212. - I really wanted to go looting, but nobody would join me. Losers. - For the first twelve hours, having no power is a beautiful transcendentalist experience, where you can really ruminate on the state of Nature, both within yourself and in the world. After that, you start to want to hit people. So- while we still have no subway, no perishable food, and the smell of uncollected garbage piling up is wafting through the streets, I'm happily staring at this most remarkable new novelty of the modern age: the lightbulb. P.S.- If anyone needs anything to do, reads this soon and is in the Chelsea area- give me a call. We're gonna make it a Julianne Moore movie night and screen Safe and Vanya on 42nd Street on the kinetiscope!

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posted by Japhy at 8/15/2003 06:33:00 PM || #

See Me. Feel Me. Touch Me. Buy Me. Like Tommy, I'm a kid in need Hi there folks. Bad news. My Clie, which I love and adore, which stores all my phone numbers, ideas and notes, has been lost. You have no idea how I've looked all around for it. It's my own fault, I'll admit it- I was in such a rush to get to the orphanage to help out those poor little tykes, that I must have left it lying in my gym locker. So now, I'm without it and I'm sad. You don't want Japhy to be sad, do you? The Clie is a mere $300.00. Rather than wasting your money on the homeless and the destitute, donate whatever you can to the Get Japhy His Clie Back Fund. No amount is too small. In exchange, all donors will receive a poem written especially for them, by Japhy. Japhjunket has always been free. Think of all the joy and insight it has brought you over the years. Think about the cultural cache you have earned by being able to name drop me at society parties. Being a writer is a sad, lonely profession. My Clie was a small glimmer of sunshine slicing its way into the murky gloom of my heart. Won't you help me get it back? Together, we can make me happy.

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posted by Japhy at 8/13/2003 02:19:00 PM || #

Tiresias Speaks: Blind Items from a He-She Know-It-All Greetings Gossip Hounds, I've been working on a new blog for a while that will prove that the concepts of "Freedom" and "Liberty" are utterly meaningless and must be struck from the lexicon at once if we are to save democracy. It's a bit involved, and seeing as how we're in the dog days of August, when brains turn to fried eggs and concentration only musters its strength to order a Tanq and T, I thought that rather than try to repeal 250 years of democracy, I'd hold off for a bit. Instead I'll engage in some good ole' fashioned blind-item rumourmongering. With out further ado: What Broadway "Boy Wonder" does double duty down in the Bowery showing off his fuzzy puppet to anyone who knows that the number of the day is five? What Hollywood harthrob dujour has been cultivating a "silent and brooding" attitude with interviewers because his agent does it want it to slip out that this rising star started out as a poolboy for a big time producer? What neurotic Must-Read gossip columnist still has his octagenarian mother do his dishes- hates her for it and only wants help so he won't feel bad when she dies? What out of this world pop star tells the fellows that he likes it the way Andrew Sullivan likes it? What former MePa denizen is having so much trouble getting his sex up, that he's resorted to writing emails to everyone he's ever known to get someone to help him out? What reader of gossip-mongering blogs is doomed to sunburns, floods, poor leaders and the occasional rape at the hands (er..wings) of a swan? (hint: Look in the mirror, honey-child) Don't believe me? I'm Tiresias. Don't fuck with me or you're gonna wind up poking your eyes out. Off the record, on the QT, and very HUSH HUSH - Tiresias

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posted by Japhy at 8/11/2003 01:11:00 PM || #

A Call to Arms Dear Friends, I'd like to take this opportunity today to officially announce my candidacy for Governor of California. While rumours have been rampant over the past few weeks, it brings me great delight to say to you, and to the people of the Sunshine State (no wait, that's Florida...) um, the state with the bear on its flag, that I intend to throw my hat into the gubernatorial ring. Some of my opponents have questioned what qualifications I have to run for such an esteemed office. To them, I say this, " I too, like tacos, can speak in funny accents and can point out California on a map of California- as long as I have advisors nearby to help me out." I will run on a platform of advocating rights for mariachi bands and the establishment of the Walt Disney Corporation as the official replacement of the state legislature. I will also demand gifts to appease my savage will, and if they do not please me, I will eat you. In conclusion, I'd just like to say that I look forward to running against all my opponents and hope that you too, will join us and run for Governor of California. Viva la Revolucion! -Japhy

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posted by Japhy at 8/07/2003 08:06:00 AM || #

A Touch of Class: The O.C. is Good Dumb Summer Fun Ryan Atwood (Benjamin McKenzie) has it rough. He scored in the 98th percentile on the PSAT's, he looks like a dimpled, cuter and younger version of Russel Crowe and he has the biceps that come from hours spent at a high class gym perfecting them. The thing is, Ryan's guns weren't toned at some tony gym, but on the mean streets, where, in the opening moments of Fox's new teen drama The O.C., he finds himself arrested while helping his brother steal a car. The brainchild of Josh Schwartz, who at 26 is the "youngest person to ever create a TV series" according to Fox, The O.C. piles on the storylines fast and furious in its pilot episode which premiered last night. After being sent to juvie, Ryan is befriended by his public defender, played by the usual revolting but somehow endearing Peter Gallagher. After Ryan is released and sent home to his smoke-infused, peroxided, straight out of White Trash Central Casting mother who promptly kicks him out of the house, Ryan winds up being taken home by Peter Gallagher- home to The O.C. (ie: Orange County) that is. Why Peter Gallagher (I'm sure his character has a name, but really, does it matter?) takes Ryan home is something of a mystery. It seems that his motivations are partly altruistic and also partly because he wants to bring a taste of "the real world" into his beautiful upscale life. Once installed in the pool house (with views of the Pacific Ocean filling the all glass walls), Peter Gallagher seems to hope that like a cross between a lawn ornament and Jesus, this rough-hewn kid can bring some sense to this upper class life of his. Indeed, early on at a fashion party, someone asks Ryan what he thinks of Orange County. He replies, "I think I could get in less trouble where I'm from." There's a lesson to be learned there! Alright, The O.C. is over the top. In fact, I'll admit that every time I type "The O.C." out, I kind of want to vomit. However, as ridiculous as this show is (in the first episode we meet the next door girl that is in love with a meathead, but she's also an alcoholic whose friends leave her passed out in her driveway and her Dad is being investigated by the Feds, and Peter Gallagher's wife is concerned because, hey! she almost married this guy, but now he's married to a fashionista half his age and she's married to Peter Gallagher who, when not bringing home criminals or surfing is messing up his neurotic son's life, not that it needs messing up since the boy has already named his catamaran after a girl he is in love with, but has never met- and oh yeah, he's probably gay- or will be by season three) there seems to be a balance to it all. Hell, it's fun, it's goofy and amazingly, avoids being histrionic. The key to this is Benjamin McKenzie's performance as Ryan. He's silent. I mean, completely silent. He broods and occasionally beats people up. However, he manages to anchor the rest of the characters in something vaguely resembling a believable reality. The O.C. is worth watching, especially for anyone who grew up on Beverly Hills 90210. Is it dumb? Very. Is it vacuous? Puh-lease! Is it a good way to waste an hour? Please. Hot chicks, Hot boys, Scandals, Sex and Booze. What more do you want?

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posted by Japhy at 8/06/2003 08:42:00 AM || #